COMEDY: Stand-Up>Bank Robber

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A Bank Robber Joins LinkedIn.

Note to Reader: This article was written in 2016 to serve as a working script for my live stand-up performances in New York City. Some of the material here is still used for that purpose.

 

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‘A Bank Robber Joins LinkedIn.’

You know who you never see on LinkedIn? Bank robbers.

I’m on LinkedIn the other night, and it struck me: in the corporate cornucopia that is LinkedIn, among the thousands – hundreds of thousands – of consultants and CFO’s, salespeople, scientists, lawyers and laborers, builders and welders and teachers and tech heads, there are no bank robbers.

Also…and I know because I checked…there are no safe crackers, muggers, forgers, flashers, or junkies. If there were one criminal element on LinkedIn, I’d expect it to be junkies. Wouldn’t you? I can’t think of one criminal demographic who needs to be more linked in! When you’re a junkie, you can’t afford to not have connections.

So, there I was, surfing this digital sea of white-collar capped waves, jostling for a professional edge, and I wondered…

…if there was a professionally assertive bank robber looking to accelerate his career trajectory—what would his profile on LinkedIn look like?

Well, first…he’d want to post a photo, to personalize, and humanize his profile. You know, a headshot – not a mugshot. All professional profiles on LinkedIn have a head shot and our bank robber wouldn’t be any different. He’d want his photo to be welcoming, but also professionally impactful. After all, bank robbery is an impactful profession. Especially for the people in the bank!

So he’d want his photo to be crisp, and, if you’ll pardon the pun, arresting. He could put his own image up, sure, but he’s a criminal, so…how does he handle this? He could walk down to the post office and pick up a black and white head shot from the bulletin board in the lobby…photo shop those numbers off the chest of the man in the photo, and use that, but besides risking arrest for stealing federal property, he risks drawing attention to himself much in the same manner, say, you would draw attention to yourself if you asked a group of Roman soldiers to slather you in honey, dust you with powdered sugar, and crucify you upside down next to a colony of fire ants.

If it were me, I’d take a simpler, lighthearted, and more metaphorical approach. I’d download an image of the Hamburgler—McDonald’s old cartoon character—and post that to my profile. Everyone likes cartoons, and it delivers the intended message: I’m a bad guy, but in a good way! Let’s connect!

Once the photo was taken care of, he’d move along to the next step of his profile’s creation. He’d enter his title:

Professional Bank Robber

Next, he’d compose his summary section – an overview of his career:

I’m a highly motivated and results driven client-focused leader, renowned for cultivating haunting and indelible relationships with customers—ideally in less than ninety seconds.  

I specialize in robberies of commercial and mutual savings banks, credit unions and savings and loans, as well as armored car heists, and have fifteen years of experience successfully influencing over thirty-five branch managers in twenty-seven states to, “GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY!”

I’m recognized in the American criminal underworld and penal system as a thought-leader for innovative recruiting, onboarding, and mentoring of sociopaths, and for critical thought in stressful situations; I’m always willing to make the hard decisions for the team, even if they’re unpopular due to their brutality and devastation.

I am an expert in armored guard neutralization, ceiling, floor and wall breaching, explosive charges, high-powered automatic weapons procurement and disposal, disguises, smoke flares, flash grenades, evasive driving, and wiping down the car for prints.

In 2016 I was named Bank Robber of the Year by the United States Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation for successfully closing ninety-two percent of negotiations in fourteen states by simply saying, “I’m going to count to three…”  

Next, he’d list his skills. Only a few are really necessary for this line of work. Things like:

Casing the joint; keeping mouth shut; passing a note to the teller; waiting patiently in line; leaping gracefully over the counter and getting away clean.

Then, we get to the section where the rubber hits the road, or, in this case, where the terror gets what the terror wants – his Work Projects. Here’s where our bank robber shows what he’s made of:

Bank of America, Needham Ma, $183,800

Central National Bank, Cleveland Ohio, $164,670

Citizens Federal Bank, Tallahassee Florida, $114,200

Brinks Armored Security Truck, New York, NY, $778,560

First Commercial Bank Safe Deposit Room, Palm Desert, CA, Assorted bearer bonds, loose precious stones, gold coins, diamond rings, pendants and necklaces and a pound of uncut cocaine

First Farmers & Merchants, Emerson Iowa, $189,885

First Federal S&L of Rochester, Rochester NY $139,600

Perpetual Savings Bank, Erie, PA., $142,657

Finally, and perhaps most influential of all, as only those with this next section of their profile completed earn the title of Linked In ‘Superstar’ – now we come to his endorsements.

And the first is from……

– Larry Dickman, Manager, Citizen’s Federal Savings & Loan, Akron, Ohio: “They disabled the cameras and phones, made us strip off all of our clothes, and locked us in the conference room. I found this to be particularly impressive and clever, as it dissuaded us from both fighting back and chasing them while allowing me to finally see my assistant managers tits. I give them my highest endorsement without equivocation, and hope they come back soon.”

Next, from a coworker in Boston,

– Danny King, Revere, Mass: “Bro, he’s not only a trusted and valued resource in the world of bank robbery and grand larceny, he’s a man of fearless cunning and has a wicked ability to translate his partner’s hunches into actionable intelligence bro. He’s worked with me on identifying new banks to rob, race tracks to take down, private estates to burgle and he’s helped me renew acquaintances with old colleagues I thought were still buried in prison. My main man? Bro, please! Thefuckouttahere! He’s generous with his time, has boundless energy and I’m proud to call him my crime partner.”

And then…there’s…

– Chad Morris, Manager, Bank of America, Alexandria, VA.: “They broke my head teller’s kneecap with a hammer because he wouldn’t give over the vault key. I told Franklin to give it to them, but he never listens. Other than that? I have to say they like handled themselves with the professionalism and ruthless efficiency of…umm… bankers.”