CONTENT: Parody>Small Space Ads

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Small Space Ads Rejected by

THE NEW YORKER

For small space advertising inquiries, please contact:

smallads@newyorker.com

Like the quality writing for which The New Yorker has long been known, so have its small space advertisers been known for their quality, originality and good taste. From hand knit Irish sweaters to fresh water pearl strands and from ergonomic chairs to custom cabinetry, small space advertisers in The New Yorker have always reflected the refined tastes of this literary and culturally publication. Each year, however, thousands of small space ads are rejected by The New Yorker as not being quite “right.” The following artists, service providers, manufacturers, and retailers have been recently rejected by The New Yorker for small space advertising.

CHARMIN CHESS: These artisan chess pieces are sculpted by hand in super max prisons from wet Charmin toilet tissue, and are cured with dried commissary toothpaste to achieve a “marble-like” hardness. An “old world” patina is lovingly hand brushed onto each piece from a palette comprised of toilet bowl rust, Hi-C fruit-flavored beverage powder, cigarette ashes, saliva, ear wax and Vaseline. Charmin Chess pieces are a timeless gift for the chess, fecal matter, contagious virus or penology enthusiast. Find us online at www.charminchess.com

TOYS FOR RURAL FARMERS: Lifesize, plush farm animals; all anatomically correct and made only from natural fibers and real animal fur. Old McDonald had more than just a farm if you know what we mean…

YOGUNS: Fine, small batch, handcrafted sawed-off shotguns inspired by Yoga. Pistol grips and folding stocks are available in Black Walnut, Snakewood, Makassar Ebony, and Redwood. The first box of bird or buck shot free. Online at http://www.yoguns.org

CELEBRATION TEETH: Personally engraved gold or silver teeth. Great gift ideas for newly “beat-in” gang members, addicts in your project or punk-ass bitch fish on your prison tier. Order online at www.gangstasmile.com

SCUMBAG-IN-A-BOX RESIDENCES: These fine corrugated cardboard box condominiums are available in studio, one, two and three bedroom floor plans. Fully solar powered and biodegradable, these green living concepts provide affordable, barely sustainable shelter for the recently downsized and downtrodden. www.scumbaghomes.com

ARYAN BROTHERHOOD ARTS & CRAFTS: Pendants, Rings, Shanks, Shivs, Saps, Belt Buckles and Brass Knuckles. Artisan Craftsmanship, By The Supreme For The Supreme or Supreme Wannabe. www.abac.org

SAVE THE CHILDREN? FUCK THE CHILDREN!: Abduction and White Slavery Services LLC makes sure that when you kiss ’em goodbye at the bus stop you’ll never see ’em again except, maybe, on a milk carton. International abductions also available. See us online at www.kidsnatchers.com