Best of The Tweets


I’m a writer who sometimes performs my own material. I use Twitter as a processing plant for ideas I think may be well received by a live audience.  I type an idea into Twitter, and see if I can contain the idea, and retain its meaning, in however many characters Twitter allows. Some of those ideas then come with me to the stage for my live performance in clubs, where they’re animated by my voice and amplified with the aid of a microphone. The audience reaction to them tells me if they belong on the stage. The Tweets below made it to the stage.

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You live in a gorgeous California community ravaged by wild fires. Everyone’s house burns down except yours. What do you do? You burn your house down! How can you not?! You have to!

I’m getting ready for the playoff quarter finals between Breaking News vs Fake News, Good News vs Bad News, No News vs No News is Good News and All The News That’s Fit to Print vs News You Can Trust

Most mattress sellers offer a 120 day trial. If you’re not satisfied, you can return the mattress. Do you know who’s mattress you’re sleeping on? It’s not yours. I mean, it is now, but it wasn’t always unless you watched them make it for you in the mattress factory.

I’m trying to stop smoking, so I had my neighbor kick sand on me.

On Father’s Day I celebrate my decision in 1991 to have a vasectomy. In one move, I both saved the children & left a child behind.

I’m sitting in front of three trash cans on Madison Avenue and East 24th Street. The first can says PAPER. The second can says CARDBOARD. The third can says LANDFILL. I say who’s the idiot who didn’t sign off on EVERYTHING ELSE? Who’s going to the dump just to come back here to throw stuff in the third can?

Heard a sad country and Yiddish song today called, ‘Mensch in the Nider,’ about a guy who dehydrates in a valley looking for a ginger ale.

Buildings do not want anyone smoking within 25 feet of them, yet car exhaust, sneezes, coughs, dog piss and bird shit hits them all day long

6 yrs ago began online application for a job w/this question: “Tell us about yourself.” Am still answering it. HR people, please do better.

Ambulances and ice cream trucks have to switch sounds. Burn victims, the badly beaten and those stabbed and shot need the soothing, gentle children’s music of the ice cream truck, while kids screaming their heads off for the sugar high of ice cream’s rush need lights and sirens.

I’m starting a recovery fellowship for bank robbers: Bank Robbers Anonymous. BRA will support, shape & enhance criminal self-perceptions.

I’ll be out of my mind until Sunday, August 13, 2017. Please leave messages with my office, or call my service during off hours. Thanks.

It’s now apparent to me that God fell asleep Saturday night and never got around to doing Afghanistan on Sunday. And that’s that.

While waiting for your so-called beverage at Starbucks, have you ever contemplated the sugary, syrupy, dripping, dribbling, puddled wetlands environment behind the counter where the drinks are concocted? It’s like one gigantic toilet seat everyone before you has pissed all over.

Today I became a patched member of The Introverts. I was a hang-around for three decades. No one’s in the clubhouse. Just how we like it!

There is no ‘Junkie’ category on LinkedIn. I can’t think of any group needing to be more linked in. For junkies, it’s all about connections

Things Rarely Seen: Cleft nipples; A tattoo of Adolf Hitler riding a skateboard; A baby seal piñata; A fire truck that’s on fire.

My ugly phone number is like a kid I can’t abandon or put in foster care; we’re attached, it’s part of me & everyone I know knows it’s mine.

What if Noah ran a fake I.D. business on the ark? Because he was a criminal. How do we know zebras are really zebras? I mean, really know?

Can we all agree that using an asterisk to replace the ‘u’ in ‘fuck’ no longer works as a disguise, and it’s okay for fuck to come out now?

The entire Learning Annex class for murderers: “After your first murder, all others are free because they can only make you pay once.”

Like, I’m a germophobe, okay? Women piss on me in Russia, I use the soap. I use the soap, folks. Lots of soap. That I can tell you.”